everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
