Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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