Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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