But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
