her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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