I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
