take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
