dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
