The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
