So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
