Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
