I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
