You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
