Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
