Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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