where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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