There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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