let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
