I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize