Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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