My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
