Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
