Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
