Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
