Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
