Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
