Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
