Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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