I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
