so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
