Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
