I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
