After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
