You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
