Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
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Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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