Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
