just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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