when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
