I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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