Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
