For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
