you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
