plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
