Having a random hookup so left but love u
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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