There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
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Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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