as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
