You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
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I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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