Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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