you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
