Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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