if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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