So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
