I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
