i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
