It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I need water and some morals
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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