Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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