I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
