First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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