I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
